What *can* you bring onboard?

With the current strict policies regarding carry-on luggage, forums are buzzing with questions: “Can I bring this, can I bring that?”

The TSA has a nice long list of the permitted and prohibited items. Basically, you can bring your corkscrew, 4″ scissors and gel-filled bra in your person or in your carry-on. And according to this article, you can also bring in a buzzing vibrator down your pants.

My question was this: are the security checks really any more effective? To find out, I decided to re-enact the classic scene from the 1984 movie This is Spinal Tap, where bassist Derek Smalls puts a foil-lined cucumber down his pants, which is picked up by the security wand. Only I decided to go one better, by putting a buzzing vibrator down my pants.

The first round of security was the woman (always a woman) who checks your boarding pass and ID. She made sure the picture on the ID matched my face, then handed it back. “Enjoy your flight,” she said with a smile.

“I am already,” I said, smiling back.

Next I went to the belt, where I emptied my pockets, emptied my bag, took off my watch, and took off my shoes. The only thing they didn’t ask me to empty was my intestines, but that’s next year. Just before I went through the gate, the portly young woman on the other side, who I thought might find the stunt funny, was replaced by a surly old guy who looked like an ex-Marine.

“Oh no,” I said to the vibrator.

It’s a very funny article, go read the whole thing!